It was a weird day for me today. Chloe (My Toy Fox Terrier) was having behavioral problems and seems to have broken my computer mouse, I saw a man dressed up as an elf walking down the street, I thought I got frost bite as the wind was brutal while working today (Really need to locate my hat, I think), my smoke detector went off for no reason, I was told I look very smart in my glasses and they reminded the person of Sarah Palin's, (They do NOT look like hers at ALL and I am sure I don't need to tell you how offended I was by this statement) and I was drinking coffee this afternoon and found a limp piece of lettuce as I took my last sip. (leftover from my salad from lunch, I guess) It was gross, if you have never experienced this before.
Like limp lettuce in my coffee cup, I am feeling weak. I am sure you know the feeling...where you just can't be bothered and you can't really care about anything. For me, it surely is just "one of those days", but I don't like when I get this feeling. Generally I fight these feelings and haven't had this feeling in awhile. I am tired, didn't sleep well last night, getting over a cold and stayed up past my bed time last night finishing an article on Green Jobs in Cleveland. I am ready for bed and it's only 8pm.
I think it is normal to feel like this every once in awhile. I think we all have the right to feel this way sometimes too. No one can be all "Hearts and Butterflies" all the time. (Hee Hee..get it?) We all deserve a down day to sulk. Today is my day and I am going to take it. I am going to not care and the rest of the world will just have to accept it.
One of the greatest compliments I have gotten recently is from my college roommate, Pam. We were on the phone last week and we were talking about how the past year, 2010 in particular, was tough. It was really tough on me, I have to admit. I felt like 2010's bitch for the vast majority of the year. It seems like I was at the lowest I have been in my life. Not only was I down, I was beaten while down then salt poured in the wounds. At the time, I accepted it as it was for awhile. At least for the first 8 months of the year. I then made a decision that changed my path...or maybe it kept me on the same path and I was supposed to make that decision. I won't pretend to know how things like that work. The point is, I wasn't completely happy with the decision I made at the time, but knew it was right. Today, I am completely happy with it. I am happier today (metaphorically "today"...I am in a "mood" on this exact day) than I have been in months and possibly years. I have been smiling more, laughing more, getting back to my old "Christa-self".
Since I have babbled on about 2010, I need to get back to my conversation with Pam and the point of this whole post today. Pam gave me a compliment...she knows what I went through in 2010 and said this (Weird, but I wrote it down after I talked to her because it really hit me hard)
"I have to really commend you Christa. You are so strong. I haven't known anyone who could have gone through what you did, used your resources like you did and never gave up. You are so strong. I never, ever could have done it".
My response to her is "Well, I guess you never know your strengths until you are put in a situation where you have to use them. I don't know how I did it to this day and I probably won't know how. All I know is what doesn't kill you made you stronger. I got through this, and I will get through other stuff."
Profound, I know...
She said I was strong, and that was a compliment to me. I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I could go through things I know other people have gone through. I don't feel like I would have the strength or courage, for that matter to do acts that most people believe show strength and courage: battle cancer, live with a disability, fight in a war, land an airplane in distress...those are things that show strength and courage to me, but my dear friend said I showed strength in what I have been through.
The point is, strength can be found in all places and in all people. All of us have the strength to do all those things, I think. God forbid, I get a disease. I know damn well I would fight it with everything I had. If for some reason I had to fight in a war, I would fight for what I thought was right.
You...yes, you reading this...you have strength. If you haven't found it, look for it. Look for it before you need it, just so you know it's there. The good thing is, if you haven't found it and you need it, it will show up when you least expect it.
As Pam reminded me during our phone call, one of my favorite quotes has always been: "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" - Franklin D. Roosevelt
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