Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Day in Revew - I am a Gleek and Other Stories.

Dayyyyyum!  March is almost over and I have barely blogged! I have my reasons...March is a tough month for me for some reason. It seems like March is just unlucky or ill fated in my life. I have been sad, mad, glad, plaid...not plaid...that's a bad fashion statement. Really, just feeling "BLECH".  Like any typical March, in addition to just feeling less than stellar mentally, something always comes up to rub salt in the wound....This year it seems to be my car. Last week my brakes decided they were going to go...still haven't gotten them fixed.  I am on a fixed income at the moment and shopping around for a private mechanic. I have a matter of days though, so I need to get it done ASAP.

I kind of have been feeling like I just want to be a hermit too. 

In addition there was ONE day in Cleveland where it got above 60...and I have not stopped sneezing since.  It was just enough to get that pollen starting to fly.

I have been busy too, which is a positive. I have big plans.

I have things on my mind too. One of the things that keep me up at night is: "What is the correct pronunciation of Qatar?"  Seriously...everyone says it differently and everyone says they say it right.  Really, watch the news for 10 minutes and you will hear 3 different pronunciations.

Well...I have a confession...

I have replaced by nicotine addiction with an addiction to "Glee".  I am not proud of it, but I am obsessed. I have illegally watched the entire first season online and now working on the 2nd season.  I am officially a "Gleek".
I have a major crush on Puck

I sometimes have to stop myself from singing and dancing about things that happen to me. Like when my brakes started squeaking I wanted to do a dance in the garage around piles of tires wearing coveralls singing "Piece of Shit Car" by Adam Sandler.

When I am walking my dogs during the day I usually want to sing  "Walk This Way" while jumping up on the concrete parking lot fence downtown...all while yelling/singing in my best Steven Tyler voice.

If I write a message to someone on my dating site and they never write back, I go in the bathroom, flip my head over to make my hair stand up, hair spray it, put on my leather jacket and I sing "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar while pointing at my laptop.

At night, when I am alone, drinking wine, I put on a long ball gown, smear my mascara and lipstick and sing "All By Myself" in my hairbrush finishing with a dramatic Celine Dion arm raise/fist pump.

Moving on....I may be confessing too much...

Before I close this post out, I would just like to give you all some advice:  If you ever are asked about the word "labiaplasty" by presumably a 13 year old boy on ChaCha ...what ever you do...DON'T LOOK IT UP!  If you want to know what it is, I will spare you the look up and tell you gently...it is a surgical procedure to change the size of a certain part of female anatomy.

All I will say is in general you think the first Google search result is fairly safe to view...unfortunately at times it isn't...and you open the page innocently....and you are given a pictorial view of surgical results...before and after shots.....of something I did not want to see nor ever see again for the rest of my existence on this good Earth. I may be permanently scarred from those 15 seconds.

If I wanted to be a gynecologist, I would have been...

Monday, March 7, 2011

Weekend in Review - Don't Feed the Trolls , It Goes Right to the Hips!

Happy Monday, my friends! (and my enemies since you are probably reading this. I want you to have a very happy Monday as well.)  

I will say this one time and one time only - This blog and the comments on the blog are open for all.  You can love the blog or hate the blog...it doesn't matter to me. If you love it, read it, share it, talk about it to your friends... if you hate it, don't! I appreciate all the feedback.  I would, however, appreciate if people don't say my dog is ugly.  She was made special by God and cannot help that she has large ears....

Chloe = Not Ugly

I want to have fun...so I am going to share the answers to some of the questions you have asked over the weekend.  I got a ton of questions!  It was really fun to read them. Without further ado...

Q: Are you ever on drugs when you write these? 
A: I am never on drugs when I write blog posts, though I can see why you would think I was. I have been known to drink some wine while writing though.  

Q: I think it's funny that you call your parents Sarah and Todd. Do you think Sarah Palin is the Antichrist? 
A: My parents think it is funny too.  They jokingly now refer to themselves as Sarah and Todd at times. I don't think Sarah Palin is the Antichrist...I think she is an idiot. 

Q. Hey Bristol...How is Sarah and Todd today!!!!!!!
A: You are funny....

Q. Are the things you write about true or are these fiction? 
A: It's all true. I could never make this up!  I have an imagination but it's not this good! 

Q: You are hot...would you accept e-mails from chicks? If not, I will be a guy...
A: If I can't find a guy soon, I may consider it...but only if this is someone on my list....

Q: If you didn't have Chloe, what kind of dog would you have?
A: If I didn't have Chloe, I would have a cat....or a fennic fox...I would probably pick a pug, cause I love Zoe...and pigs. 

Q: Why are you so conceited?
A: Because I am a hot piece of arse, I am a television star, I am freaking hilarious, I have a beautiful dog, I make amazing food, take gorgeous photos, have awesome hair, have the most bright blue eyes that people get lost in, write poems that make people cry, have an impeccable taste in music, quit smoking all by myself, and take 2 "I am better than you" pills each morning.

Q. Why do you watch CNN? Why do you hate FOX News? (This is probably a boring answer until the end)
A: Let's start with FOX News...seriously, I realize that FOX News has a big following...for someone who has a more conservative outlook on news, politics, etc, I believe in their right to watch it. For my real answer...it sucks, plain and simple. This is my opinion -   It is totally biased, their anchors/hosts make me want to throw things at my television, they LIE, they have Sarah Palin on way too much, I don't like Greta Van Susteren's plastic surgery results  and get a little scared when she is on screen, (like I need my childhood blankie scared) and just the mention of the network gives me heartburn and nausea...

Now CNN - In all honesty...I only started watching CNN because I thought Anderson Cooper was hot...that was years ago. I also have an old man crush on Wolf Blitzer and think Jack Cafferty is hilarious. (I am watching it right now...He seriously just said Sarah Palin can't see India from her house!!! Pure old man comedy)   If I went with what I fully believe, I would probably watch MSNBC all the time...however, they are very left leaning...and though I go for that, and definitely watch it, I try to be responsible and get a less leftist view of the world and feel CNN is a little more in the middle than extreme left or extreme right. If I get real honest...I actually only watch CNN in the mornings (when Golden Girls isn't on)/afternoon...unless there is someone great on Piers Morgan Tonight I want to see...

(If you skipped the FOX News vs CNN rant above, join us here...If I sent you a special "Are you Mentioned Message", you are mentioned down here!)

 I want to leave you today with some words of coded wisdom from me to you...ok...from me to my favorite "Hater". If you are not the "Hater" you may stop reading if you wish...you may also just want to figure out where my brain is going with this, if you are someone who likes mysteries and code...

I will always fight for the voice of an angel that touches my soul, England is where my heart lies. 
Effects that go far beyond notes on a page and transport a mind across time and space. 

I will always cheer for the one who unexpectedly entered my dream, in auburn and blue. Fear stands in the way and the unknown looms. I push away and still the universe makes it happen. I wait for the sign from the south. Discretion is mandatory.

I will always soar when adversity appears. I have never walked the same path as others. Though others think they know whats right, I feel the direction I need to travel. Coins fall from cups.

I will always stand against the cold and empty wind. I will report what I see and know, bringing cheer to some, terror to others, all with the same words. We all have a place, mine is set, is yours?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Quick Post - My 5-Seconds of Fame

For those of you who read this blog and haven't seen this yet, I was on the local Cleveland news (WKYC) today for 5 seconds this evening.  Here is the clip!

For some reason this morning I had a very big urge to give myself a conditioning treatment so my hair would look good.  Amazing how the universe works, isn't it?  I did my hair, make-up, and made sure I was looking really hot....and low and behold, I got interviewed by the news later in the day. (Not for finding the panties on the sidewalk, as my friend Laurel asked)

Looking good, right?  There was a little more in the beginning, but my camera had a small delay...oh well, you get the point and get to see me in a different light! Live and in the flesh. (Again...if anyone hot is reading this and wants to contact me, please send an e-mail to christa1024@hotmail.com)

(EDIT - I got the ACTUAL story from wkyc.com, so the delay is no longer present!)

Speaking of e-mails (tweets, texts, emails and Facebook messages as well), I have gotten tons of input about yesterday's post!  I guess you all like it when I go "all over the place" like a psycho! I got a lot of random questions, some nastygrams about being mean to FOX News and a great idea about a blog post topic.

In true Christa form, I haven't written anyone back yet or addressed any...but after talking to Chloe (my dog), we decided it would be fun (and funny) to answer a few of them here...so I will....but not today.  I want to give everyone an opportunity to ask or comment.  I was a little surprised by number of  people who did. (Thank You!!!) Oh, they can remain anonymous as well...as people who like to send nastygrams tend to like to be annoying...I mean anonymous. Just comment and choose "anonymous". I promise...I have no idea who you are.  You can also anonymously e-mail or tweet me (christamarie123) too.

One more random announcement -  You have GOT to check out this blog post from my friend Adam --- Do it NOW!  You will not regret it - Throwing Quarters

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day in Review - Panties on the Sidewalk and 3D Porn.

Thursday....almost the weekend.  I never really have a real weekend though since I currently am working 7 days a week. There is a different feel to those days, however. Like I switch the CD from Adele to The Decemberists....(Both absolutely AMAZING music!!!!!)

Please, if you like this blog, share it with your friends...leave me comments. Become a follower! What do you want to hear about? What do you want to know? Lets chat! (Unless you are going to send me penis pictures...in which case I don't want to chat)


I found some panties on the sidewalk today.  There I was...walking down West 9th in Cleveland and I see something pink in the middle of the sidewalk. I move in to investigate....

Yes. They were panties. On the sidewalk. At noon.  Pink with a blue elastic band and a little bow.  I have a similar pair myself....

Pink Panties - a drink...unfortunately not the pink panties I found today...

At this point I wondered if I should move them or if it was OK to leave these panties in the middle of the sidewalk. Surely I was not the first person to see them, right? I thought about picking them up...(only because I am one of those trash picker-uppers who like to see the city look clean!)

Seriously, what was I thinking!  Who knows what kind of nasty gonorrhea I could get from discarded, nasty, dirty underwear. I could have gotten the Herps!

So I left them...if anyone is missing a pair of pink panties with a blue elastic band and a little bow, they are right near West 9th and Lakeside.  My aunt said they may be hers, but I think she was joking...at least I hope she was....

Moving on....

I just need to get this out of my system right now because I am still chuckling over it and I know I won't stop until I write this down. Was watching CNN today, as I usually do in the afternoon (I say watching, but it was really on in the background on the TV behind me) and I hear "3D Porn"...of course, I have to look and see what the deal is.  Long story short (this isn't the funny part yet) it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like...available in Europe, certain times only, blah, blah, blah.  The hilarious part about this was while anchor Brooke Baldwin is hiding her face behind a piece of paper blushing, CNN Business Correspondent Alison Kosik says with a smile, "It's 3D so it makes you feel like you are in on the action". This was, perhaps the funniest few seconds of news I have seen in a long time.  It has been seriously 20 minutes and I am still laughing about it.  I know, I know....Tunisia, Stock Market, Westboro Baptist (Yes, God is still watching you, idiots), all this seriousness in the news...but that moment of utter hilarity totally made my day. Thank you Alison Kosik.  I need that.

I know...none of you probably see the humor in that story...you may have to be partially insane as I am.  I LOVE the news!  I generally DO NOT like news anchors...

I went off on some people today about news anchors though...I will talk about that a bit later...though not in this post. I will have to get all fired up again.  There are a few I like and trust...Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow (I like them, you can like whoever you want, but I better not see the names "Gl*nn B*ck", "Sh*p*rd Sm*th" or "B*ll O'R**lly" in my comments section or in any "nastygrams" to me. If you want to put that trash online, do it on your own blog.)

Unless they are one of my "faves", I usually don't take them extremely seriously. I think before long there will be a few more added to the list.  I like Brooke Baldwin...not yet in love with her, but she's definitely working on me...she seems smart from what I can tell.  I know the minor tricks of the trade from A) watching so much news B) taking several classes in news production and C) because I am fairly smart (Believe it!) I think she is generally smart. Smart is important to me when it comes to news. Smart is how you get on my list of "faves".....

(Edit...since publication, Brooke Baldwin has informed me that she loves The Decemberists, I can move "not yet in love" up to "LOVE!!!!!")

WHICH IS WHY I GOT SO PISSED OFF TODAY AND NEARLY LOST MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!   (Remember this post and these comments...because I am going to come back to them at some point in the near future.)

In closing, I have two confessions...this is, after all called "Confessions of a Girl", right?  My first one is....I am back on the M&M's....I passed them today and couldn't help myself. I will try harder next time....I did do a little 30 minute work out, so I don't feel totally 100% guilty. 

My 2nd confession is semi related and was likely the cause of buying the M&M's. As I was going into my first stop of the day today...I saw a cigarette...a brand new, just out of the pack cigarette....sitting on the little outside ash tray. I wanted it.  I wanted to pick it up.  I wanted to take it with me. I had a rough, stressful morning...I started to reach for it....

Then I thought....CHRISTA!  What the HELL are you doing taking a random CIGARETTE from a NASTY ashtray that you don't even know where it's been????

I walked away...the addict  in me was suppressed.  Soon after I saw the pink panties and this post will go full circle.

Come to think of it though, I could have gotten the Herps from that cigarette too! Weird!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day in Review - Online Dating Disasters and Me

Let's talk about dating sites again and my quest for the perfect partner for my personal persona.

This one almost had me at hello...until I decided I couldn't date someone who was Kermit the Frog's doppelganger.

Sorry, but I am not Miss Piggy...

 "So my goal is to give you something very happy to blog about - finding a guy who meets your desires! Seriously though I think we do have a lot in common - politically I am liberal, I adore animals, I've traveled quite a bit, I'm very well educated, would like to have kids, yadda yadda yadda!"

As he has asked...I am blogging about it. Guys...seriously.  I am not particularly shallow...I don't think.  Honestly, I never really thought I was that picky when it comes to looks.  I am not looking for Brad Pitt here...just a decent looking guy!  I am a decent looking girl.  No, I am not a 10...but let's be real...I don't think I am matched with a guy who is a 2 - 2.5! When you look at couples, their attractiveness scale is usually pretty similar...(unless the guy has millions)  I have dated plenty of decent looking guys. I know they are out there. I see them all the time.

Looks are not everything.  Looks fade.

In a relationship though, shouldn't there be at least a little bit of physical attraction????  Shouldn't you be with someone who is at least partially good looking to your eyes? I dated a guy last year...we'll call him "Dave".  He was not attractive to me at all.  Nice guy, but seriously...I didn't even want to touch him...he would try to kiss me and I would have to think of someone else....no joke. He was at my place watching a movie and laying on my bed on my "guest pillow".  It was grossing me out that he was even laying on my bed. As soon as he left, I put clean sheets on. I was trying SO hard to make myself like him, but I couldn't. My mom kept telling me to give these relationships time, but if I can't even stomach someone laying on my bed, I don't think I should be dating him.

I even tried to test myself by going through people I knew...would I be grossed out if Harry was laying on my bed? No. Would I be grossed out if Charlie was laying on my bed? No.  Would I be grossed out if Alexis was laying on my bed? Nope. Would I be grossed out if Abby was laying on my bed? No...and so on...

My big point is....with this "blog about me" guy...I don't even want to look at his picture...thinking about him even sitting on my sofa is a little nasty. Why would I write him back?

Maybe I am a little shallow???  I just want a guy who is normal looking!  That's it!  No Kermit the Frog/Quasimodo/Rosie O'Donnell in Reverse Drag...What do you think?  Let me know.

I will say though...over the past few days....I may be developing a crush on someone....will let you know if I decide to do anything about it...

Special Edition....The Excerpts

Breaking News Peeps!

I was able to get my hands on some of the excerpts of Bristol Palin's upcoming "memoir". (Yes, memoir is in quotes for a reason)

These snippets are the raw writings of Ms. Palin, unedited and according to the source, did not make it into the final copy, but worth a read...

(I could have edited the grammar and spelling, but I feel it is important for all to see the true form of this "memoir")

“I remember the first time I noticed how hot Levi was. He was walking through the Wasilla High School cafeteria holding a tray of food. It was mooseburger day.  I had known him for awhile, but on this day, I saw him in a different light. I started writing “Mrs. Bristol Johnston” on my notebooks.  I liked that my initials would be BJ.”

“That group of girls that was always so mean to me were just jealous that their mom’s weren’t the Governor of our state. They would call me and Willow the “Pugnacious Palins”. They were in there AP English class when I had Pre-Algebra. I don’t know what pugnacious means, but I will ask my mom when she gets back from the elk hunt.”

“I am pregnant. I don’t know how to tell my mom and dad. Track got a girl pregnant and they made him join the army. I don’t want to join the army. Levi has been supportive. He is already working on plans for building a cabin. We live in Alaska so we can hunt and gather and live off the land with our baby. We will get married. I will finally be Bristol Johnston and people can call me BJ. I will have to think of a name that starts with “T” if it’s a boy. We have a tradition in our family that all males must have “T” names. Oh no...I just realized my mom and I are pregnant at the same time. I hope we don’t pick the same “T” name.”

“So Sarah and Todd were NOT happy with my announcement of being knocked up. You have never heard a worst screeching sound than Sarah Palin when she gets angry.  Luckily Levi was with me and held my hand. We will be together forever, so I don’t know what they are worried about. Sure, we are a little young, but I think her saying we would lose the Presidential campaign for her and John McCain is a little far-fetched. “

“I just found out I would be on Dancing With the Stars! I am so proud of myself!  I am going to show the world that a high school dropout/single mother/Tea Party Spawn can make something of themselves.  Some people say I don’t matter...but they aren’t on Dancing With the Stars so they can kiss my ass. I am a star, I am famous.  They are still living in Wasilla in their trailor.”

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day in Review - If I Knew a Pig...I Would Hug One Today

Happy March 1st....National Pig Day.  (It is also free Pancake Day at IHOP and Beer Day....but only if you live in Iceland.) Even more exciting, it is my 1 month anniversary of NOT SMOKING!  I have only been off the M&M's for about a week though....still a little shaky in that department.  I am enjoying the Junior Mints sitting on my desk right now though....
This is a pig...not a Palin.  Don't be confused.
As the title of this post says, if I knew a pig...I would hug one today. I know some pig-like creatures...my mom's chihuahua Tia sounds like a pig....Sarah Palin of course...(lipstick on a pig...or was that a pittbull? In her case, we will keep pig)...pugs kind of look like pigs now that I think about it...but cute ones...I know a few pugs...Zoe is Chloe's friend so I will tell Laurel to give Zoe a hug from me today.  (As long as she isn't offended that I called her dog a pig. I love pigs!)

Zoe the Pug...not Pig sitting with "Egypt" the Gourd...not Pumpkin

Speaking of pigs, I heard Bristol Palin is writing a memoir.  I have been doing some digging around and may have gotten my hands on an excerpt of the writing.  If I can get it, I will post it here is the next few days...

My question of the day is...what can a 20 year old possibly have to put in a memoir??  I am 12 years older than she is and I have maybe a chapter or two for a memoir!  (Nothing very exciting really happens to me though and my mother has not been the Governor of Alaska.  My mom can tell you anything you would like to know about dental procedures and spoiling little dogs and children though)  Hopefully this question will be answered soon...it will be...believe me.  I have my eyes on the prize of this scoop...

Speaking of...well...no good segue here....I have to start writing another little e-book this week so I may again be MIA.  I am really trying to shuffle things.  I absolutely love blogging here, but my time has to be spent with paid work right now until I hit it big.  This one should be a blast though....all about online dating...a topic all of you regular readers know is near and dear to my heart. For new readers, you can learn about my online dating experiences here: Why I am Still Single....

I have 5 goals today...writing this post was one of them...another was getting a Shamrock Shake in celebration of my one month Stop Smoking anniversary.  Check that off too! Two goals down...3 to go...it's going to be a loooong night!