Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Day in Review - Celebrations All Around

 Before I even start this post, my sweet (or bad...depending on your view point) dog Chloe is featured on a very special post written by my dear friend and confidant Cletis Stump. Check it out if you like dogs: Dogs of Twitter #1

This is the story of two celebrations...

It seems like it is a time of celebration in my life...hopefully you have something to celebrate as well.  One of these celebrations I have been counting down the days for...another was sprung upon me via a surprise text message.

Let's be real though...just because something should be celebrated, doesn't mean I want to hear about it.

Let's start with that first....ever since my parents "Sarah" and "Todd" have learned to text, I have enjoyed a new way to communicate with them.  It is great that I can just text Todd and say "I need new windshield wipers"....3 months later, like magic....they appear.  (Of course I have to drive an hour to get them, but I am not complaining...just stating a fact) Texting with them is great...really...

I know a lot of people make fun of their parents texting, but I will not be one of them. (They have had their moments, don't get me wrong!)

I enjoy texts. I feel like it is the easiest way to say what you need to say when you need to say it.  I think I am probably pretty no-nonsense and just want to get to the point in most situations.  I don't like a lot of dribble, drama or drawn out stories.  Get to the point. (This reminds me of my friend Cher...who never gets to the point. Don't be a Cher...get to the point and lets go get a drink)

So back to my parents texting..."Todd" sent me a text on January 26th...just a few days ago...it said this...

"happy birthday today is the day you were conceived"

Yes....you read that correctly....my DAD...sent me a TEXT...telling me that it was the anniversary of my CONCEPTION.  Let me just walk you through the thoughts that went through my head...

"What does that say?"

"No...."

"Is that really what is says?"

"Wait....what?"

"Conception?  No...."

"Oh shit...."

At that point I started laughing uncontrollably. It took everything I had to pick up my phone and hit "Send".

Of course, he picked up with a chuckle...and I could hear "Sarah" cackling in the background.  They thought it was hilarious.

Through my extreme laughter I told them to NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER mention this to me again. I believe I said something like "I did NOT need to know about that nastinest"

They brought it up a few days later when I went to do laundry...still chuckling...still bringing the awkwardness upon me...still insuring embarrassing and awkward moments after all these years...

So yes...the first thing we are celebrating is my conception.  Hurrah for the Blizzard of 78....Let's just move on to the real celebration...

Today, February 1st, is my 1 year anniversary....of no smoking.  No nicotine....no cigarettes.  The last cigarette I had was the morning of February 1st, 2011.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Let's rewind for a bit...

I won't get into a long, inspirational story....you either believe it, or you don't.  You think I am crazy or you don't. I could care less.

I had a dream and my dream became a prophetic dream. There was a stranger in my dream that my departed grandmother (who was in my dream) introduced me to...in my dream. My grandmother told me this stranger would be significant to me. The stranger in my dream became the stranger in front of my very real eyes that said "Don't smoke". I listened to a stranger. The stranger inspired me and inspires me to this day.  I thank God for the stranger every day...I pray for the stranger every day. I consider the stranger a sort of hero or dare I say friend, though it's certainly not mutual.

Every time I feel weak and feel like I want to smoke, I think of the stranger. I love the stranger for this. That inspiration is amazing. The stranger has no idea what they did for me.  Perhaps someday I can say thank you in person. If nothing else, we will share a love of music, politics, news and damn...we both have the most amazing eyes you have ever seen...

Like I said...believe the story or don't...judge if you like.  I don't care.  I don't smoke anymore and it shouldn't matter why or how I quit.

What matters is I don't smoke...and I gained 20 pounds because I don't smoke.

I think I blocked those first weeks out.  They were a swirl of sleeping pills, Dum Dums and Peanut Butter M and Ms. When you sleep, you don't have cravings and when you are awake and have cravings, candy makes it dandy...not really...it only makes it a bit less like hell...like you are standing in the fires of hell, but you have candy, so it's better.Make sense?
Semi-Sustainable Food

Candy...especially M and Ms...are not fat free.  when you are sustained and living on chocolate, fake peanut butter and a candy shell that melts in your mouth and not your hands, you gain weight.

I would say I probably put on 20 pounds....I have, over the year, lost about 5, but I am still 15 pounds heavier than I was before and it sucks the big one.

As I told "Sarah" the other night, I could probably lose more if I laid off the wine a bit, but hey, a girl has to have some vices in life, right? I cannot live without some substance running through my veins. Luckily my hours at the gym each week burns the same amount of calories that I consume from wine.

I eat very well (healthy), I fry nothing, I don't eat fast food...

I drink wine and I love every drop. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have addictions (music doesn't count).  None of that helps me lose these 15-20 pounds though. Sometimes I honestly consider picking up the cigarettes again.  I know what you are going to say...don't do it.  I know the stranger would haunt me, but I know the weight would come off.

Why can't I just go on the 1990's Gwyneth Paltrow diet of a bottle of gin and 2 packs a day? (For the record, I didn't smoke 2 packs a day...EVER). It seems very easy...

It is just my mind...it's playing tricks on me.  It has played tricks on me every day since February 1st, 2011. It tells me that I should smoke...

Every day I tell it "No".

It may be a fleeting thought, but it is always there.

I can pick out smokers easily...I track them like a bloodhound.

I breathe a little bit deeper around them..I want to just smell the smoke.  Some ex-smokers can't stomach the smell...me?  I love it...but only the fresh smoke smell...not the stale smell. There is a difference. Think I'm gross?  Maybe...

If you have never smoked and think I am gross, I honestly don't care for your opinion. If you are someone else...like Kellie Jones, who was a HUGE help during this process, and for the record gone through the same thing, I may be more inclined to hear you talk about my grossness or my fatness.

For anyone reading this who smokes.  No, I will never, ever judge you. I will never hound you to quit. I won't think anything different about you. I will love you, cigarette and all. (I may ask to just smell your hair) I know how sucky it is to be constantly hounded and reminded that cigarettes are bad. Do people think we don't know that? Do people think we don't know what they do?  Do people honestly think propping up a diseased lung is going to stop the cravings? Hell, I used to smoke and look at diseased lungs at the same time.

The addiction is strong...it is gnarly...it holds on with an iron grip. I don't know how I pulled it away. I don't know how I stopped.

I don't think I did it alone.

Think? No, I know I didn't do it alone. I had something I can't explain. Something more powerful than me.

It has been a year.



3 comments:

abby said...

Ah, the Gwyneth Paltrow diet. The glories of youth.

Anonymous said...

Luckily I didn't gain the weight but I did gain anxiety, which hasn't been as tough lately... knock on wood. I think it's awesome - coming from an ex-smoker. YAY US!-Meghan

Cletis said...

Great post, Christa. Your writing, always good, is better and better. I'll reprint this if you don't mind.