Day in Review: The Great Midge Massacre of 2011

Midges....

If you are unaware of what a midge is...please study this picture:

 

Midges are small, harmless insects that show up on the beautiful shores of Lake Erie every year for just a short amount of time. I ask you to look again at the above picture...now picture 100 of them...on my bedroom ceiling...as I lay staring up at them.  So begins The Great Midge Massacre of 2011.

(If you are a Buddhist, you may want to skip this blog post and join us next time)

I shouldn't have bugs like this in my home, especially in my bedroom, but these little buggers are attracted to lights...and due to a little opening in my window screen (that is now closed!) about 100 of them were able to sneak in and have a midge get together around the lamp on my bedside table...the only light on in the apartment. 

I didn't even notice them until I got into the bedroom and laid down. As I stared up at ceiling and corner of the room and saw the insects, I knew I would never be able to sleep with the chance they could fall from the ceiling directly into my mouth. I knew I had to do something...probably something dramatic and drastic, in order to get rid of them. I told Chloe to remain under the blanket for her own safety (she didn't listen) and I left the room.

I returned clad in my "Midge Removal Uniform". It consists of a hooded sweatshirt adequately covering my head and arms, yellow rubber dish washing gloves, and sunglasses to protect my eyes. In one hand was a roll of paper towels with tomatoes and carrots on them, in the other hand, a full spray bottle of generic Febreeze. 

I advised Chloe to return to the safety of the blankets, but she opted to retreat to the living room...it was 1 vs 100...and I was in a killing mood.

I went to work....my method was simple. Spray and squish, spray and squish. It seemed to me that the spray was killing them on its own, but it could be merely paralyzing the invaders. Regardless, the "squish" part of the "spray and squish" method definitely ended their lives as was shown by the flattened midge bodies on the paper towels between the tomatoes and carrots.

I went after them with gusto and determination, the smell of generic Febreeze filling the air and the tiny trails of midge guts staining my walls and ceiling. (Gonna have to get the Magic Eraser on that) As 10 minutes past, and only a few of the invading midges were left, I knew I had won this war. I let a few of the survivors escape through the window, adequately closed the screen tight and sighed...my melatonin was kicking in, my hands smelled like sweaty rubber and my sunglasses had become MIA during the foray. (They reappeared the next morning on the opposite side of my bedroom) I looked at Chloe, or the bump under the blanket that was Chloe as she had returned to her spot under the covers, and felt proud of myself for facing one of my fears...the fear of insects.  

God help me if/when the Canadian Soldiers arrive.  I tend not to even leave the house.

By the way....before I close this out, I want to give everyone an update on my last date...we went out twice...I had an amazing time, I really liked this guy and couldn't wait to go out again...except I never heard from him though he said over the weekend he wanted to go out again.  It seemed like he was into me...he was gentlemanly, gave me an innocent good night kiss and even took a photo of me for his caller id on his phone...fast forward this morning...

I sent him a text asking what his schedule was like and that I was still interested in seeing him.  The response was: "Hi, I don't think there is much chemistry between us, but if you want to hang out sometime, that would be cool".

*sigh*

Day in Review - Yes, I Have a Date Tonight

By some miracle of miracles, I have successfully gone on a first date with a man this week and plan on meeting him for a 2nd date tonight. Cross your fingers...that is all...

I have nothing to say tonight actually. I am babysitting an adorable pug named Zoe...she is laying on the couch next to me snoring like a chainsaw. It's cute. She belongs to my friend Laurel. I think I have been a good babysitter so far, but I may not be able to watch her again....I may get banned because I over fed her one day.  Laurel doesn't know, so don't tell her. Let's keep this a secret between us! 

See, Chloe is still on a semi-hunger strike and now that Zoe is here, it has gotten worse. I have had to separate them while the are eating so they both eat out of their own bowl. Yesterday, I got distracted by Wolf Blitzer and the announcement of the 24,000 Sarah Palin e-mails being released and of course I lost my train of thought and became unaware of my surroundings. Next thing I know Zoe is finishing up the last bite of Chloe's food.  Long story short, Zoe had two dinners like a hobbit and Chloe had zero dinners like me when I forget to eat. (Yes, it happens sometimes).

As you can see, I think I dropped the ball and now can't be trusted to watch Zoe anymore. Actually, I have lost her at this moment...she jumped off the couch and has disappeared...

..........................................

Ok...found her.  She was hanging out in the bathroom for some reason.  Luckily she didn't run away...that would really get me fired from being a dog watcher.

Let's move on...did I mention I have an actual date tonight?  I did? Just checking...

I am going to want to talk about this whole Sarah Palin "Family Vacation" thing at some point, but really been distracted because I am waiting to see if she will make the biggest mistake of her life and throw her hair in the ring to be the Republican nominee for President. I think she will...obviously that was no family vacation.  However, maybe these e-mails released will be damaging. I was able to read this one:


(Via Huffington Post)
 From: Sarah Palin
To: bristolbabydollz@aol.com

You know you're my baby girl and all, and I love you either way, but...if you don't win Dancing With the Stars, we're all going to hell and the terrorists will win.


Make Mommy proud!

*Hugznkissez*


<3 Sarah (Mommy)

If you want to see more of these, check out Huffington Post here:  http://huff.to/iODkHd  They are hilarious!

In something that is not hilarious, I have been watching the Cassie Anthony trial...sickening. I actually teared up today and I don't even know these people, it is just so sad. I stumbled upon it the other day and was hooked.  Will definitely be looking forward to the verdict on this case.

Since I have a date tonight, I better sign off, but wanted to put up the latest and greatest news.  Peace til we meet again!

Day in Review - Some May Say I'm a Dreamer

 Lets have a blog post, shall we?  How is everyone out there?  Excellent, I hope! I have been busy, but I am happy to report I have been busy for a reason!  For those of you who don't know, I have signed on to a big writing project. For the first time EVER, writing is bringing in a majority of my income.  It's a huge step and an exciting thing for me. I am learning a lot and focusing on some skills that can take me far. (SEO anyone?)

Besides writing, I have been up to few other things and having some random ideas. Maybe it's all good...you know, that creative process...

Anywho...Chloe and I are adjusting to living with each other again.  She was gone for almost two weeks on vacation at my parents house (You know...Sarah and Todd...) and I was babysitting another dog. Once she came home she brought visitors.  Two chihuahuas...I was watching my "sisters" Maggie and Tia...I know I have mentioned them before. They are the chihuahua's that have taken the place of my sister and I in my parents home. They are fat, mean and bark too much, but as their designated babysitter and older sister, I try to have patience with them. This time, however...my patience hit it's breaking point. 

Maggie, Tia and Chloe (L-R)

See...normally Maggie is a good girl and Tia is the problem child. However, this time the tables were turned....Long story short, I was in the bathroom beautifying myself (I know...I don't need to...). Tia and Chloe were wrestling with each other on the floor. I finished up my hair (Chloe and Tia still next to me)...took two steps outside of the bathroom...and it hit me...I smelled dog poop. 

I slowly walked into the living room, following the putrid scent and what do I see?  This....

Yes...that is POOP on my shoes!!!!!

 As you can see from the picture above, this was not an ideal situation. I honestly didn't know if I should laugh or cry. (I decided on both.) I immediately took this picture and sent to to my mom to show her what her sweet little dog did...as a side note, if you look closely there is a dark area in the upper left hand corner of the photo...that is PEE.  As soon as she shit on my shoe, she squatted and pissed right next to it...

For those of you wondering if I was abusing her by not taking her outside, she gone out approximately an hour before this...peed and pooped!  This was spite, I tell you...SPITE!


Now that I have that off my chest and the chihuahua's out of my home, it is just Chloe and I again.  I think she is on a hunger strike because I won't feed her moist food (I think it gives her diarrhea) but she gets it when she visits her grandparents. (They don't have to clean up her poop with a little baggie!) Apparently she feels the Beneful I supply in Lakewood isn't good enough for her Caesar refined palate. (She is giving me the stink eye now because I asked her if she liked it.  Maybe I should change her food)  Has anyone else noticed a poop theme tonight?

Moving away from poop...I had an awesome idea today.  My Aunt Debi lives in Albuquerque and I really want to go see her. I was looking at flights last night and the absolute cheapest I could find was $278 plus tax, so at least $300, plus spending money once I get there.  That's a lot for a struggling, but fabulous writer...enter FABULOUS idea...have you heard of those people who do things and go on these adventures like blogging their way across America?  Well I could take a road trip to Albuquerque and blog it! I could take Chloe and a random friend like Pippa Middleton and blog our adventures...you know, we would stop at places like the biggest ball of twine, etc.  I think it's a great idea!  All I need is a sponsor!  Anyone interested?  :)

Two more things before I sign off...I want to give a big shout out to my girl Jeannette for looking over my dating profile...hopefully it will help. So far the only takers I have gotten is a guy who looks like Janet Reno and a guy named "OhioStalion"....

I want to leave you today with a tweet from Joy Behar...love her or hate her, she is witty...this made me choke when I read it I was laughing so hard "Palin told reporters George Washington was her favorite founding father--and Weezie Jefferson was her favorite first lady."

 Til next time, my friends...

Day in Review - Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Assholes...or Whack -A-Doos.

 It's Friday...the end of another week...perhaps the final week for some of you...should you be one of the 200 million with a fast-track ticket to Heaven.  Seriously...this stuff cracks me up. I have some more to say about it but first have to vent about something...

As this could be my final blog post in pre-Armageddon, I would like to urge all of you men and women who have sons to please raise them right.  There are too many assholes on this earth.  Once again...4th time in a row...2nd guy in a row....yours truly was stood up.  Actually, I don't even know if I would call it stood up...it was just a non-communication issue. See, last night I had a date...so I thought. Wednesday I specifically sent a message to this guy that said "Are we still on for tomorrow?"  His response: "Yup!  Can't wait!".  Now maybe I am just an IDIOT, but when I see "Yup! Can't wait!" I expect some sort of positive action or positive result...I do not expect dead air.  Dead air, however, is what I got...I texted him again at 11:31 am on Thursday...saying "What's up?  What time is good to meet tonight?" Tick tock tick tock goes the clock....nada..nil....zero response.  I then signed onto the dating site I met him on, plentyoffish.com....he was online....so I sent him another message on the website saying he was rude, disrespectful and if he can get online he can certainly give me the respect to send a text saying "I can't go" or whatever his pathetic, random excuse was...I'm sure it would have been a lie...

The problem I am having is this: more often than not, guys I meet seem to pull this shit...and they think it is OK.  Guess what....It's not OK. It is hurtful, rude, disrespectful, despicable, cowardly and idiotic. I am a grown up. If you don't want to go out with me, I can handle it. I will shake your hand, wish you luck and go along about my day with not so much a regret.  However, when you reel me in with e-mails and phone calls and begging me to go out with you, telling me I am attractive and how you think we have so much in common then IGNORE me....I take issue with that...BIG TIME.  This is an epidemic...it is not just one guy.  Last night...I had a date....my friend had a date...both of us got canceled on...so we went out together.  Honestly? I probably had a better time with her than I would have had with that guy.

So once again, I am losing faith in the male species...I really just do not get it. I never had any brothers, just a sister that beat me up like a brother would (She once dragged me across the yard by my hair because I wouldn't go get a basketball in the neighbors yard)...I do have male cousins though, and they were raised right. I could never, ever see them treating anyone like these guys have treated me, my friend and all the other 30 something single women out there. Those boys...now men...treat people with respect...all people, not  just women. Maybe my Aunt Debi should write a book and sell it to mothers of sons....or I will just take any book and shove it down the throat of the next guy who pulls this shit with me...

Lets talk about Judgment Day.  It's supposedly in a matter of hours. At 6:00 pm local time, the Rapture will begin. (This, according to Harold Camping and his whack-a-doo followers.) Seriously...people have wiped out their savings, sold their homes and have nothing because they have spent thousands on advertising the May 21st date. I wonder what they will do on Sunday?

I was doing some thinking today and in trying to see the silver lining in everything, I came up with these five awesome things about the Rapture. Since 200 million of the roughly 7 billion people on this Earth will magically be taken up to the heavens according to the whack-a-doo's, I think there should be something to look forward to for those of us who are left.
 
1. Lower gas prices - You know, that whole supply and demand thing...
2. Unemployment rate will plummet - Since 200 million will be taken up to the heavens, think of the job openings that will come out of this.
3. A lot of free stuff - With the people just well....gone..those of us who are left (AKA the "Sinners")  will have some fine looting available. At that point, I figure since we know we are going to hell anyway...why not?
4. No more telemarketing or courtesy calls - Though I am on the "Do Not Call" list, I seriously end up reporting a telemarketer at least once a month for calling me.
5. Doomsday survival kits - For $12.99 you can purchase a kit with ear plugs, a can of air, a communion wafer, a shower cap and a Mayan calendar drink coaster. (I don't quite get the shower cap)

I want to add before closing up this post, the Princess Beatrice hat I want so badly has gone up to $102,430.....hey, it's the end of the world...probably a fake bid. 

Day in Review – It’s the End of the World and I Feel Fine...

What’s shaking?  We have a lot to discuss tonight!  We can’t even have a real introduction because this blog post is full of nonsense that must be presented to my readers.

Have you heard of Harold Camping? If you don’t know the name, you probably know the voice if you are a random scanner on a car radio. He is the guy that hosts 24 hours a day of Family Radio...a random station that is centered on extremely conservative religious twaddle...He sounds like he is about 157 years old and is one of the people who take the Bible literally. Eye for an eye stuff...anywho...he has “predicted” the end of the world by using an extremely...well, idiotic...way of interpreting the Bible. He claims that God has put the dates of Judgment and the End of Times in the Bible, and man just had to figure it out...Harold, says he is the man who did...after all these centuries, Harold Camping was put on Earth to say God put the exact date of Judgment into the Bible.

Perhaps Harold is unaware that God did not actually write the Bible...

I made a mistake earlier if you have read my Facebook post...I am confident enough in myself to admit if I make a mistake, so I am now confessing....I made a mistake.  The end of the world will not be May 21^st, 2011 as I posted on Facebook....that is apparently Judgment Day.  The end of the world will be on October 21^st, 2011...just before my birthday.  Really? Neither of them are very convenient days for me to be honest, but since I don’t believe a word of Harold’s musings, it isn’t really making me lose sleep. 

If you know anything about what the Bible says, (I have read it, cover to cover three times...random fact, use it as you will) on Judgment Day, or the Rapture, the chosen people of God will magically be taken to Heaven and those who are left will endure the 7 signs of the Apocalypse. Harold’s website says he will no longer be on Earth, but you should watch his page for blog posts on May 22^nd  through October 21^st, 2011.  It seems he has recruited a sinner who is on their way to Hell on 10/21 to keep up the blog for him. 

I’m sorry. I cannot continue because I am laughing so hard and may pee myself.  

I will be having a party for my birthday on October 24^th, 2011...if you are reading this, you are invited.  For those who are wondering, it will be on Earth, not in Hell.  I sunburn too easily.

Moving on, my friends...

So, you know this post would not be complete without the latest dating news...so I picked up another guy online.  We talked, really got to know each other over the phone, planned to meet....he cancelled...now trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, he DID say he wasn’t totally sure this particular date would work for him...HOWEVER...lets fast forward 4 days...you all know my dear friend, Laurel...I talk about her often.  She sends me a message today...HE MESSAGED HER ON THE DATING SITE!!!!  Of course she didn’t write back or anything, but he and I got into a discussion about it.  He sent me messages all day saying he really wants to see me and I should give him a chance...blah, blah, blah.

Two more things...or four more, but they are small-ish.

I feel the need to let you know that Princess Beatrice’s hat which was famously worn on her head (or attacked her head, in my opinion) during the Royal Wedding is listed on ebay.  Any of you who will not be scooped up on Judgment Day and will be attending my birthday party, feel free to pick it up. I would love it.  Starting bid is $8,229.

Yes...this was serious....

 

I wanted to share this sign I saw today....I couldn’t get a photo, but I was able to do a rendition on my laptop.  It seriously makes me worry for civilization....and for Cleveland...

Just picture this, just as I have it here....on a sign in someone's yard...

Speaking of Cleveland, I really need to recommend the show “Hot in Cleveland”.  It is on TV Land on Wednesday nights at 10:00pm ET. Hi-freakin-larious.  In last night’s 30 minute episode, I laughed out loud 7 times. 

Finally, I need to do some shout outs.  These are a few blogs that I like to read and want to share them with you: 

The Book of Cletis 

WomanlyWoman 

 Throwing Quarters

Check them out!

Day in Review - What Would Pippa Do?

I want to start this post by saying a huge "THANK YOU!" to all of the people who shared my last post with their friends. I really think it's important to pay attention when you are out and about getting funky and dancing like a rock star....or like Pippa Middleton....

I have become a mini-celebrity on the Facebook page of the establishment where the incident went down.  I made a post about watching your drinks...it was deleted about an hour later, but in the mean time I have gotten several messages asking about the situation and they made a post on their wall about sleazy guys and keeping your drinks close to you. 

I have to say...it was very strange to lose time like that.  Even up to yesterday I was a bit confused about what the date was.  Luckily my mother reminded me about Mother's Day on Sunday! I thought I still had another week.  Speaking of my mother...I will make a quick segue to the Palin family....so who has seen Bristol's face lift?  If she even tries to deny it I will dress up as a clown and walk through Public Square...well wait..we KNOW she is going to deny it, but COME ON!!!!  She looks like she used the same surgeon as Kenny Rogers did.  Jennifer Grey anyone?????

Another thing I miss when I was "not of this world" (though I can't really say where I was!) was the capture of Osama Bin Laden. I have to say, my mom was hilarious...she called me on Tuesday just to make sure I knew about it...honestly though, I had no idea it had happened until midway through my Monday morning! I was PISSSSSSSSED! Not because of it happening, of course, but because I wasn't privy to the breaking news!  For someone who is a humongous news buff, missing the biggest news story of the decade really hurt. 

Another thing I didn't get a chance to mention was my feelings on the royal wedding.  I laughed....at Beatrice's hat....I cried....at the ceremony...and I almost threw up....again, at Beatrice's hat...(they kept showing it).  I admit, I have always been a huge royal fan...I cried when Princess Diana passed away. This was a big day for me and luckily I didn't miss it.  Chloe was a little angry with me though, since I made her get up with me and made her wear a little tiara.  I thought that was a fabulous idea and was going to send the pictures to the Today Show...until I saw 500 pictures of people who had made THEIR dogs wear tiara's too....so I erased them all, sulked and watched the festivities for about 5 hours...

The final thing I need to say is about "Glee"....I know, I know, some of you don't watch it, but seriously...I don't know if I have become more  compassionate or more "feeling" since I was "out of my mind", but it seriously broke my little heart when Santana was singing to Brittany....I don't know why I love them together so much.  I am also a big Finchel fan, so I am of course seeing the potential of them getting back together....Fondue For Two was HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Ok...signing off for now...I have a few things to do before my favorite Thursday night show "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones". 

Day in Review - Yes, It Can Happen To You.

Hello, friends. I want to start off by saying this will not be a typical Christa post. What I am going to discuss today isn't funny, but I think it is important to share. There are some graphic parts of the post, so if you don't handle things like vomit well, you may want to just skip this post til the end.

If you are anything like me, you generally go through life seeing things happen to other people, but never think bad things can happen to you. I always thought that about roofies and date rape drugs. It would never happen to me. Except it did...Saturday night. Thankfully my friend, Laurel was with me, so the guy who slipped whatever it was into my drink didn't get far, it could have been a bad situation and I think it is worth a quick discussion.

We went out with the best intentions. A fun night at a club in Cleveland. We weren't on the hunt for men or hook-ups, we were just two early 30-somethings looking for a few drinks, some good beats and a fun night.

Much of it was fun. We had a few drinks, they were playing some good dance music, I was shaking my stuff like a rockstar. I hadn't had many drinks. No more than usual. Certainly not enough to get sick or totally drunk. I remember drinking rum and coke. My memory gets fuzzy here. I remember Rhianna playing on the video screen and I was dancing with a guy, though this may have not happened concurrently. I remember no other music and no other faces. We had to have been there for a few hours though. The last thing I remember was a guy smiling down at me and putting a drink in my hand. I don't know if it was a new drink or a drink I already had. After that, I am blank until the next morning.


I will try to make this as "un gross" as possible, but if you don't want to read it, skip this paragraph -

I woke up on Laurel's couch laying on a sheet. I was holding a bowl and covered in this brownish/black substance. It was from my hair and shoulders all the way down to my feet. The brown/black substance was all over the sofa and apparently on the carpeting too, though I found out later it was cleaned up before I was lucid enough to wake up.

I had no idea where I was, who I was or why I was there. I knew I needed to throw up though so as I looked around and observed my surroundings,  it became clear where I was and I made a bee-line for the bathroom, carrying my bowl with me. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.

I looked as I would imagine a heroin junkie on the street would look, covered in vomit, bloodshot eyes, stomach and shoulders sore from repeated puking. Laurel filled me in at that point once I got back on the sofa. She gave me some clean clothes. I had no concept of time, day or anything that happened. Everything I know came from her.

My thought process, once my brain started turning on was this: 
My poor dog was still at home and I felt horrible I had left her in her crate all night.
I think I sent some texts and tweets and scrambled to find my phone. Everything was erased...all my sent texts, all my sent tweets.  Obviously I sent something or many somethings I shouldn't have, as I never delete my sent texts or tweets unless I have to. I hope I sent a mean text to that guy who had the "broken phone" from my last post.

 I remember driving home.  I felt fine enough to drive and I had to get home to my dog. It was the perfect window I chose to drive in, because once I got home the vomiting started again. I took the dog out, got back upstairs, grabbed my trashcan from the bathroom, a blanket, turned on the tv, called Chloe and slept for hours...I didn't eat, I didn't drink, just slept. I don't remember waking up until about 6pm.  I felt better, but not right. I fed the dog, took her outside again and fell back on the couch. I slept til 10pm. I took some Advil, got into my bed and slept until 6:30 Monday morning. Seriously, I didn't even know about Osama Bin Laden until Monday morning. I hate that, as if you know me, you know I need the news as soon as it happens.

(You can join up now if you skipped the middle)

Laurel said it was bad.  It was as far as I know, I don't even know all the details. It could have been a lot worse and that's what is so scary. It happened so quickly. I just thank God she was with me.

I want to share this story for a few reasons. One reason is, this could happen to any of you reading this. I always heard of it happening on college campuses and to cute little 20-somethings.  I am 32 and it happened to me. As Laurel told me today, "We will have to be more careful next time". She's right.  We will. If you are reading this, you need to be more careful too. I admit, I don't think I have ever been extremely vigilant on watching my drinks at clubs or bars. I think that will certainly change now. It seemed like such a simple act to slip something in my drink. So very simple...

Lets be honest, I most certainly could have been raped, assaulted, abused, beaten, killed or died from this. None of that happened and I thank God for getting me through it. Don't let any of those things happen to you. I am so thankful to Laurel and so glad she was there with me.

Be aware of your surroundings and never go out like that if you are alone. It happened to me and as Laurel and I saw on Saturday, it can most definitely happen to anyone.

I am OK. I am slowly but surely getting back to normal.  This morning I was still having some waves of nausea and I am still pretty tired, but definitely 95% better.

Take the message you want from this story.  If you are a woman, read it again, except this time, put yourself in my place.