Day in Review - Celebrations All Around

 Before I even start this post, my sweet (or bad...depending on your view point) dog Chloe is featured on a very special post written by my dear friend and confidant Cletis Stump. Check it out if you like dogs: Dogs of Twitter #1

This is the story of two celebrations...

It seems like it is a time of celebration in my life...hopefully you have something to celebrate as well.  One of these celebrations I have been counting down the days for...another was sprung upon me via a surprise text message.

Let's be real though...just because something should be celebrated, doesn't mean I want to hear about it.

Let's start with that first....ever since my parents "Sarah" and "Todd" have learned to text, I have enjoyed a new way to communicate with them.  It is great that I can just text Todd and say "I need new windshield wipers"....3 months later, like magic....they appear.  (Of course I have to drive an hour to get them, but I am not complaining...just stating a fact) Texting with them is great...really...

I know a lot of people make fun of their parents texting, but I will not be one of them. (They have had their moments, don't get me wrong!)

I enjoy texts. I feel like it is the easiest way to say what you need to say when you need to say it.  I think I am probably pretty no-nonsense and just want to get to the point in most situations.  I don't like a lot of dribble, drama or drawn out stories.  Get to the point. (This reminds me of my friend Cher...who never gets to the point. Don't be a Cher...get to the point and lets go get a drink)

So back to my parents texting..."Todd" sent me a text on January 26th...just a few days ago...it said this...

"happy birthday today is the day you were conceived"

Yes....you read that correctly....my DAD...sent me a TEXT...telling me that it was the anniversary of my CONCEPTION.  Let me just walk you through the thoughts that went through my head...

"What does that say?"

"No...."

"Is that really what is says?"

"Wait....what?"

"Conception?  No...."

"Oh shit...."

At that point I started laughing uncontrollably. It took everything I had to pick up my phone and hit "Send".

Of course, he picked up with a chuckle...and I could hear "Sarah" cackling in the background.  They thought it was hilarious.

Through my extreme laughter I told them to NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER mention this to me again. I believe I said something like "I did NOT need to know about that nastinest"

They brought it up a few days later when I went to do laundry...still chuckling...still bringing the awkwardness upon me...still insuring embarrassing and awkward moments after all these years...

So yes...the first thing we are celebrating is my conception.  Hurrah for the Blizzard of 78....Let's just move on to the real celebration...

Today, February 1st, is my 1 year anniversary....of no smoking.  No nicotine....no cigarettes.  The last cigarette I had was the morning of February 1st, 2011.  I can't believe it has been that long.  Let's rewind for a bit...

I won't get into a long, inspirational story....you either believe it, or you don't.  You think I am crazy or you don't. I could care less.

I had a dream and my dream became a prophetic dream. There was a stranger in my dream that my departed grandmother (who was in my dream) introduced me to...in my dream. My grandmother told me this stranger would be significant to me. The stranger in my dream became the stranger in front of my very real eyes that said "Don't smoke". I listened to a stranger. The stranger inspired me and inspires me to this day.  I thank God for the stranger every day...I pray for the stranger every day. I consider the stranger a sort of hero or dare I say friend, though it's certainly not mutual.

Every time I feel weak and feel like I want to smoke, I think of the stranger. I love the stranger for this. That inspiration is amazing. The stranger has no idea what they did for me.  Perhaps someday I can say thank you in person. If nothing else, we will share a love of music, politics, news and damn...we both have the most amazing eyes you have ever seen...

Like I said...believe the story or don't...judge if you like.  I don't care.  I don't smoke anymore and it shouldn't matter why or how I quit.

What matters is I don't smoke...and I gained 20 pounds because I don't smoke.

I think I blocked those first weeks out.  They were a swirl of sleeping pills, Dum Dums and Peanut Butter M and Ms. When you sleep, you don't have cravings and when you are awake and have cravings, candy makes it dandy...not really...it only makes it a bit less like hell...like you are standing in the fires of hell, but you have candy, so it's better.Make sense?

Semi-Sustainable Food

Candy...especially M and Ms...are not fat free.  when you are sustained and living on chocolate, fake peanut butter and a candy shell that melts in your mouth and not your hands, you gain weight.

I would say I probably put on 20 pounds....I have, over the year, lost about 5, but I am still 15 pounds heavier than I was before and it sucks the big one.

As I told "Sarah" the other night, I could probably lose more if I laid off the wine a bit, but hey, a girl has to have some vices in life, right? I cannot live without some substance running through my veins. Luckily my hours at the gym each week burns the same amount of calories that I consume from wine.

I eat very well (healthy), I fry nothing, I don't eat fast food...

I drink wine and I love every drop. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have addictions (music doesn't count).  None of that helps me lose these 15-20 pounds though. Sometimes I honestly consider picking up the cigarettes again.  I know what you are going to say...don't do it.  I know the stranger would haunt me, but I know the weight would come off.

Why can't I just go on the 1990's Gwyneth Paltrow diet of a bottle of gin and 2 packs a day? (For the record, I didn't smoke 2 packs a day...EVER). It seems very easy...

It is just my mind...it's playing tricks on me.  It has played tricks on me every day since February 1st, 2011. It tells me that I should smoke...

Every day I tell it "No".

It may be a fleeting thought, but it is always there.

I can pick out smokers easily...I track them like a bloodhound.

I breathe a little bit deeper around them..I want to just smell the smoke.  Some ex-smokers can't stomach the smell...me?  I love it...but only the fresh smoke smell...not the stale smell. There is a difference. Think I'm gross?  Maybe...

If you have never smoked and think I am gross, I honestly don't care for your opinion. If you are someone else...like Kellie Jones, who was a HUGE help during this process, and for the record gone through the same thing, I may be more inclined to hear you talk about my grossness or my fatness.

For anyone reading this who smokes.  No, I will never, ever judge you. I will never hound you to quit. I won't think anything different about you. I will love you, cigarette and all. (I may ask to just smell your hair) I know how sucky it is to be constantly hounded and reminded that cigarettes are bad. Do people think we don't know that? Do people think we don't know what they do?  Do people honestly think propping up a diseased lung is going to stop the cravings? Hell, I used to smoke and look at diseased lungs at the same time.

The addiction is strong...it is gnarly...it holds on with an iron grip. I don't know how I pulled it away. I don't know how I stopped.

I don't think I did it alone.

Think? No, I know I didn't do it alone. I had something I can't explain. Something more powerful than me.

It has been a year.

Day in Review - Panties on the Sidewalk and 3D Porn.

Thursday....almost the weekend.  I never really have a real weekend though since I currently am working 7 days a week. There is a different feel to those days, however. Like I switch the CD from Adele to The Decemberists....(Both absolutely AMAZING music!!!!!)


Please, if you like this blog, share it with your friends...leave me comments. Become a follower! What do you want to hear about? What do you want to know? Lets chat! (Unless you are going to send me penis pictures...in which case I don't want to chat)

So....

I found some panties on the sidewalk today.  There I was...walking down West 9th in Cleveland and I see something pink in the middle of the sidewalk. I move in to investigate....

Yes. They were panties. On the sidewalk. At noon.  Pink with a blue elastic band and a little bow.  I have a similar pair myself....

Pink Panties - a drink...unfortunately not the pink panties I found today...

At this point I wondered if I should move them or if it was OK to leave these panties in the middle of the sidewalk. Surely I was not the first person to see them, right? I thought about picking them up...(only because I am one of those trash picker-uppers who like to see the city look clean!)

Seriously, what was I thinking!  Who knows what kind of nasty gonorrhea I could get from discarded, nasty, dirty underwear. I could have gotten the Herps!

So I left them...if anyone is missing a pair of pink panties with a blue elastic band and a little bow, they are right near West 9th and Lakeside.  My aunt said they may be hers, but I think she was joking...at least I hope she was....

Moving on....

I just need to get this out of my system right now because I am still chuckling over it and I know I won't stop until I write this down. Was watching CNN today, as I usually do in the afternoon (I say watching, but it was really on in the background on the TV behind me) and I hear "3D Porn"...of course, I have to look and see what the deal is.  Long story short (this isn't the funny part yet) it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like...available in Europe, certain times only, blah, blah, blah.  The hilarious part about this was while anchor Brooke Baldwin is hiding her face behind a piece of paper blushing, CNN Business Correspondent Alison Kosik says with a smile, "It's 3D so it makes you feel like you are in on the action". This was, perhaps the funniest few seconds of news I have seen in a long time.  It has been seriously 20 minutes and I am still laughing about it.  I know, I know....Tunisia, Stock Market, Westboro Baptist (Yes, God is still watching you, idiots), all this seriousness in the news...but that moment of utter hilarity totally made my day. Thank you Alison Kosik.  I need that.

I know...none of you probably see the humor in that story...you may have to be partially insane as I am.  I LOVE the news!  I generally DO NOT like news anchors...

I went off on some people today about news anchors though...I will talk about that a bit later...though not in this post. I will have to get all fired up again.  There are a few I like and trust...Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow (I like them, you can like whoever you want, but I better not see the names "Gl*nn B*ck", "Sh*p*rd Sm*th" or "B*ll O'R**lly" in my comments section or in any "nastygrams" to me. If you want to put that trash online, do it on your own blog.)

Unless they are one of my "faves", I usually don't take them extremely seriously. I think before long there will be a few more added to the list.  I like Brooke Baldwin...not yet in love with her, but she's definitely working on me...she seems smart from what I can tell.  I know the minor tricks of the trade from A) watching so much news B) taking several classes in news production and C) because I am fairly smart (Believe it!) I think she is generally smart. Smart is important to me when it comes to news. Smart is how you get on my list of "faves".....

(Edit...since publication, Brooke Baldwin has informed me that she loves The Decemberists, I can move "not yet in love" up to "LOVE!!!!!")

WHICH IS WHY I GOT SO PISSED OFF TODAY AND NEARLY LOST MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!   (Remember this post and these comments...because I am going to come back to them at some point in the near future.)

In closing, I have two confessions...this is, after all called "Confessions of a Girl", right?  My first one is....I am back on the M&M's....I passed them today and couldn't help myself. I will try harder next time....I did do a little 30 minute work out, so I don't feel totally 100% guilty. 

My 2nd confession is semi related and was likely the cause of buying the M&M's. As I was going into my first stop of the day today...I saw a cigarette...a brand new, just out of the pack cigarette....sitting on the little outside ash tray. I wanted it.  I wanted to pick it up.  I wanted to take it with me. I had a rough, stressful morning...I started to reach for it....

Then I thought....CHRISTA!  What the HELL are you doing taking a random CIGARETTE from a NASTY ashtray that you don't even know where it's been????

I walked away...the addict  in me was suppressed.  Soon after I saw the pink panties and this post will go full circle.

Come to think of it though, I could have gotten the Herps from that cigarette too! Weird!

Week in Review??? Where Have I Been????? Who am I???

Yes. I am here! Almost 100% here actually...which is an immense improvement on where I was just a few short days ago. See, I made a very important life-changing decision on February 1st, totally out of the blue actually. It even shocked me! No, I did not join a convent or become a nun.  No, I did not move to a small, uninhabited island in the Caribbean. No, I did  not becoming a Republican. I am not pregnant, engaged, coming out of the closet..or becoming a Republican. (Just wanted to reiterate that!)

It has been 7 days...well, 6 if we want to get technical since today is not over.  It has taken me 6 days to be able to sit in front of the computer, no interruptions, no jumping around my apartment like an insane kangaroo on crack, no yelling, screaming, crying or eating 5 pounds of M&M's. (I have done all these things in the past week)

My concentration is almost back, I can type with relative ease, I can sit in one spot for more than 10 minutes, I can go for long spans of time without something in my mouth or hands. I am coughing a lot, sneezing like a fiend, but I smell great, feel a bit more sane, have energy and could pass any test for nicotine in my system.  Yes.  I stopped smoking.

Now at this point, there will likely be 1 of these reactions coming from your head (I have heard them all over the past few days) :

1) You smoke? I didn't even know! - Yes. I have smoked since college actually. About 20 years old.  I never hid the fact that I smoked, but never felt it was an extreme necessity to wear shirts that say "I am a nicotine addict" either. I could go for hours and hours without smoking and was never a huge chain smoker, but I always went to my friend, nicotine, at least a few times a day, many days much more than a few.

2) Awesome!  Good for you! I am proud of you! - Generally the reaction of the non-smokers or ex-smokers who are happy to have me join their team. They have all tended to be extremely chipper and smiley as they have said this.

3) Oh? Um...good.  Good for you...um...yeah. - Generally the reaction of the smokers I know...who are probably scared shitless I will make the suggestion that they join me in my "non-smoking" lifestyle. No. I will not tell you to join me. It is a 100% personal decision. If you would have asked me 2 weeks ago if I would be a smoker today, February 7th, 2011, I would have said "Absolutely". Something clicked in my head one day and I chose to do this. Don't be scared.  I will fight for you to continue to make this choice if you want to.

4) Silence and "The Look" - This from those who know I have always smoked, have yelled at me 1000's of times for smoking, hated that I smoked and really couldn't do a thing about it. The few in this category probably think I will fail.


With the decision made on February 1st, 2011 and today being February 7th, 2011 my physical symptoms are just about gone.  Cravings are gone, I haven't thought about cigarettes or smoking. I feel pretty good physically. Mentally I am feeling good too...better than I have. I can concentrate, hold a conversation, type without (too many) typo's, read without pause, laugh, smile and feel overly good about this decision. I still feel myself zoning out every once in awhile, but it is 1000 times better. Those commercials with the people running over things and knocking things over...I believe it is becomeanex.org...that is NO JOKE. I know I would not be able to drive a fork lift or go bowling in that condition. The commercials are funny...look for them....I admit...I broke a plate, dropped multiple items and tripped...more than usual.

What is really NO JOKE is this...I made a decision and I intend to stick to it. If you have positive things to say, I want to hear them. I want the support. If you have negative things to say, keep it to yourself. I don't want to hear it peeps. I need a calm, relaxing, meditative life for a few days. As I learn to live my life in this way, I invite you all to keep joining me on my blog. I welcome comments, questions and the occasional humorous jabs.

I also want to send a special shout out to Kellie Jones for directing me to the right words to read. To my aunt, Diane, for checking up on me every day. To my dad, Jim/Todd, for re-affirming my determination and strength to me and to all of my Twitter followers, especially the Gercak's, for listening to my bitching and moaning at  the beginning of the week. To Cletis, my editing is coming soon.  Also for everything and everyone I forgot about, yelled at, or thought bad thoughts about this past week...which is admittedly more than I would like, I am sorry...and I will try harder on Wednesday. :)